


It Didn't Hurt

by rosegoldroman



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Gen, More angst, but theres a happy ending, very very sad trust me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-17 18:40:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13082955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosegoldroman/pseuds/rosegoldroman
Summary: Patton lies to himself, time and time again — their biting remarks don’t hurt, of course, they don’t — but he can’t stay strong forever.





	It Didn't Hurt

It didn’t hurt.

  
Every biting remark and mean comment; each insult, meant to hurt him, to push him down — he could take them all in stride. He was the father, the heart of their family. He needed to be happy, and strong for his kiddos.

  
It didn’t hurt.

  
The others had problems, troubles, and he needed to stay strong; like a lighthouse in the middle of a foggy night, unyielding in its ability to bring them back home. His smile was their light, a beacon to guide them through the turbulent seas of their worries and fears; and his arms were the home that they found when they returned, his arms and his comforting voice, his reassurances that, come what may, they’d be okay.

  
It didn’t hurt.

  
It happened on a Tuesday, as Roman and Logan discussed one of Thomas’ problems over dinner. Patton sat beside Virgil, listening idly as he ate.

  
Their conversation had come to a standstill — both had run out of ideas, and sat silently as they tried to think their way through a solution — and Patton, ever the helpful father, had suggested one. Logan’s offhand remark was quick and sharp, cruel in the way it so casually knocked down his idea — but it was fine.  _It was fine_. They didn’t need his help, and that was  _fine_.

  
It didn’t hurt.

  
It  _didn’t_  hurt.

  
It —

  
Why did his face feel so warm? And… so wet? Gently, he touched his cheek; dull shock ran through his body when he found hot tears on his face. His vision began to blur. Why was he crying? He shouldn’t be crying. He was fine, it didn’t hurt,  _why was he crying, the kiddos were going to worry, oh n_ —

  
“Patton?” Logan’s eyes were wide, confused. “Are you —”

  
“I’m okay!” Frantically, he wiped at his cheeks, hard enough that they began to sting, but the tears kept coming and he couldn’t keep up. “Must have just caught something in my eyes, don’t worry!”

  
Roman and Logan shared a wide-eyed look. It was obvious that they didn’t believe him. “Is something the matter, Patton?” Roman asked, tilting his head to one side, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

  
“N-No, I—”

  
“Oh,  _come on_.” Virgil had had enough. He yanked off his headphones and set them down on the table, glaring daggers across at Roman and Logan. “’Is something the matter, Patton?’” he mocked, his voice high and cruel; across the table, Roman’s eyes narrowed.

  
He set a hand on Patton’s shoulder and squeezed it gently; Patton’s heart would have been warmed by the gesture if he wasn’t horrified by the oncoming fight — a fight that was  _his fault, all his fault, why couldn’t he just stay strong?_

  
“I  _wonder_  what could be the matter,” Virgil spat, fierce protectiveness filling his voice. “Gee, it’s not like we’ve already seen what happens when you constantly put someone down and disregard their ideas!” Sarcasm dripped heavily from his dark, furious voice. Logan paled.

  
“Patton, I — This was not my intention, I didn’t mean — I didn’t mean to make you feel like —”

  
“— Like what? Like he didn’t matter? Yeah, right,” Virgil said scathingly. “’Stay out of this, Patton.” He repeated Logan’s words from earlier; the other trait paled even further. “’We don’t need you messing this up for him.’”

  
“He didn’t mean it like — like —” There was no excuse that Roman could make, no reasoning for the harsh words. “He just — He only meant —”

  
“No.” Logan cut him off sharply. “Virgil is right. I — I’ve made a mistake.

  
No.  _No no no_. This wasn’t good, wasn’t  _right_. He shouldn’t feel guilty! Patton was supposed to stay strong. He desperately wiped the tears from his eyes and forced a bright, cheerful smile. “Don’t worry, teach, it’s okay! You’re right, kiddo — sometimes I — I do mess things up, and — and —”

  
His voice broke. His smile shattered.

  
It didn’t hurt.

  
It  _didn’t hurt_.  
It didn’t hurt,  _it didn’t hurt_ ,  _ **it didn’t hurt.**_  
It  _ **hurt**_.  
The sobs came quickly, wracking his whole body with their intensity as they forced their way out, and with them came hot, painful tears and an immense, crushing guilt. Every biting remark and scathing comment seemed to swirl around him, and he was drowning, each painful memory dragging him farther and farther into this nightmare. How could he break down like this? He was supposed to be their rock! The sobs only came faster, harder, and Virgil’s grip on his shoulder tightened as he glared across the table.

  
“’Adult? More like a-dolt,’” Virgil spat. “’We need actual contributions from you now and then.’ Did you even hear yourselves? Did you ever think before you spoke?”

  
Roman cringed as Virgil used his own words against him, hanging his head in shame. “We never — this wasn’t what —” It wouldn’t work, the words wouldn’t come; he opened and closed his mouth a few times, looking a lot like a fish.

  
Logan’s chair squeaked against the floor as he got to his feet, his eyebrows furrowed with guilt, his cheeks red with shame. “I’m sorry,” he said as he moved around the table, his voice breaking. Slowly, hesitatingly, he leaned down and wrapped his arms around Patton, gently resting his chin on his shoulder. “I-I’m so sorry.”

  
He sounded so, so guilty — never had Patton heard such raw emotion in the other trait’s voice. Patton leaned into the hug, feeling his tears slow. Distantly he heard Roman’s chair squeak as well; a moment later, a second pair of arms had wrapped around him, and soon after that, a third. It was very warm; sitting cocooned between his family, the pain didn’t seem so bad.

  
“I’m so sorry,” Logan repeated, again and again, his voice ever so soft as he apologized. Roman’s hands were running gently through his hair; he could hear the prince sniffling as he hugged Patton tightly. Virgil’s hand found his; slowly, their fingers intertwined, and Virgil squeezed.

  
“We’ve been such  _idiots_ ,” Roman murmured, and continued before Patton could try to convince him otherwise. “Great Odin’s eyepatch, how could we — how could we not see it? How could we not  _know_? Patton, we — we are so  _sorry_.”

  
Patton pulled out of their embrace, wiped at his eyes and managed a comforting smile. “It’s alright, kiddo, really. It’s not your fault.”

  
“Wh —  _yes it is_!” Roman and Virgil said in unison, one guilty and one angry.

  
“Why do you do that?” Logan asked. “Why do you always try to pretend that it’s alright?”

  
Because I have to. “Because I love you guys,” Patton said, biting his lip. “I want to be there for you, kiddos, so I need to stay strong, right?”

  
“That’s — no, Patton, that’s not right,” Logan said, concern edging his voice.

  
“Pretending that things don’t bother you when they actually do is, like, the worst thing you could do,” Virgil pointed out.

  
“You can be there for us without bottling up your feelings, Patton,” Roman said. “Even the strongest heroes break down sometimes, right?”

  
“I —” They were right.  _They were right._  God, he’d been an  _idiot._ “You’re right. I-I’m sorry. Gosh, I’ve been dumb, huh?” He chuckled.

  
“No. No, we’re the ones who’ve been dumb,” Logan corrected.

  
“I mean, I think you’re all pretty dumb.”

  
“For once, Panic! At the Everywhere is right. We have all been pretty dumb.”

  
“Nope. Not me. Just you three.”

  
“Stop fighting, you two. We’re having a bonding moment.”

  
“Oh, no —”

  
“I cradled you in my arms!”

  
Roman’s over-dramatic cry made Virgil groan loudly, and Patton found laughter bubbling from his lips as he watched the two bicker. He leaned back into his family, a warm, fond feeling replacing the sad, painful one. He leaned his head on Logan’s shoulder, his eyes slipping shut. He felt worn out, exhausted — but still  _so_  happy, so much better than he did before. He was almost glad that it had gotten to this point; who knew having a breakdown could result in something so healing?

  
It didn’t hurt.

  
It didn’t hurt, and this time, that was the truth.


End file.
